How To Overcome Sexual Trials and Trauma In Your Marriage
hello Dale Partridge here you're listening to an episode from the real Christianity archive Veronica under the name ultimate marriage as a resource for online marriage Mentor program found at ultimate marriage.com program is still a critical part of our ministry after about 30 episodes we decided to change the name of this podcast to real Christianity as a way to widen the scope of our Biblical content that said these are some of our most popular episodes so please enjoy and stay with us on the journey to bring the church back to the Bible
 welcome to Ultimate marriage today we are going to be talking about how to overcome sexual trials and Trauma in your marriage where people actually feel a little bit better but Veronica is not got a bit of a cold so we've been fighting a cold in our house and we're here with stuffy noses and potentially a cough here and there but that's why I don't want to be coughing a ton during the show so that's what it is so work cited to have this conversation we actually we just got done with the sex module for our marriage program the ultimate marriage program which is right now it's not to become the 12 months to give 12-week programs and we're going to open up registration right after the New Year again so if you want to be notified when you can
 and that program it is epic we go so deep on the topics of marriage but we just finished the sex module and we spent yeah just lots of time talking about sex and how important is to a marriage and you just go to ultimateguitar.com notify we cannot soultimate marriage.com notify and we will get you on the list and notify you when we open up registration so you can come in and be in that Journey with us
 couple of things follow us on Instagram I mention this last time in and we actually had several hundred people follow along it would be loved and appreciated but we also we share a lot there every single week especially Veronica with our children and so are you get it to see, the more polished side with me in terms of just teachings and lessons and I guess I want to see the real life side with me the real life at the children and our house and things that we do with Veronica so we're going to turn this conversation today and three questions and we had so many questions come in from our current group we have 300 we had we had 370 couples we started loading us now and we had a lot of incredible question that we couldn't get through all of them so I took some of those questions they're not honest questions and I think that they apply to Giant chunks of
 married couples and we're going to answer three those questions today I'm still frantically open up with the first question
 okay question for one as a husband I have made mistakes in our marriage from keeping secrets about my past to falling into the sin of Temptation and we're not around looking at pornography my wife has forgiven me and I am living in Purity and honesty now but as a result of my past sins I feel so shameful and unworthy to pursue my wife sexually she wants intimacy and is hurt that I don't pursue her I know this is how she feels but I still can't get over my past and initiate sex very often as a result of how infrequent or intimacy has been we both feel discouraged and have a hard time even wanting to have sex at times now
 what would you recommend for overcoming this shame and mental / spiritual blocks that I have this question the first thing that comes to my mind is it sounds like you've been truly repentant you're headed to your wife you repented to God and your wife has forgiven you so when I hear that I'm like okay well hey buddy your sins are as far as the East is from the West like it is if they have never happened to happen you are New Creation in Christ you don't need to live with that guilt in that shame it's already been forgiven. Tell people over and over again Satan loves to keep us paying the price for sins that have already been paid for us to have you feel that shame and guilt of not growing and not getting past it obviously this question can be applicable to so many areas of life outside of sexual sin because you're it is the struggle of of
 not feeling forgiven and dwelling on the past is incredible because Satan love to have you there because once you have experienced the power of forgiveness and you have moved on and you and your wife are reconciled and it you guys aren't holding it you know over one another that's an incredible testimony they can be shared to other people who are struggling and encourage and walk to the other couples that way and of course he does not want that the opposite is true as it if you haven't been able to do that it's you're lacking Authority or lacking testimony you have no power to share with other people you can't tell people to follow your example I want to break this down a little bit I think that this gentleman's issue is two parts first I really believe that
 that you don't you don't believe that you're worthy of Grace and that you're worthy of forgiveness and as a result you can't actually accept the grace that was given to you and instead you have to punish yourself I was just thinking the same thing as yourself as a way to feel like you earned the grace and this is a very common thing in the church we can't accept the grey so therefore we going to have to self sabotage with the like stumble ourselves hurt ourselves punish ourselves to actually feel like an idiot guilds to feel the weight we might have earned it and then we could be forgiven later because we've actually paid the price we felt the consequences it feels like a like a righteous response to not downplay the gravity of our send like that. It feels like a righteous response to like not downplay that the weight in the magnitude of our sin after we repented
 it's not actually because there's no point rides at that. The price is already been paid we're going to talk about some scriptures are what what scripture tells us to do after we were tempted and so it's not righteous to continue to hang on to the the the the gravity at the weight of your sin after you've repented and been forgiven it's it's not righteous and when you understand that through repentance you're fully forgiven it's a big deal it'll actually make you cry when you realize the way that was listed off you but I want to remind you anybody just dealing with this it's like telling Jesus hey your death on the cross wasn't good enough
 that that that's really what's happening is that you're going I'm still feeling the weight in the shame and I can't like seem to let it go and like you just got Jesus what you did on the cross. Giant sacrifice you made for mankind like it wasn't good enough for my sins and it's actually like it like you're telling him you failed to accomplish her goal it's a form of self-righteousness actually like like you're actually your stuff's too big for Jesus like you can take care of this for the sins of the rest of the world that he can't take care of mine this is this is not biblical thank you and again when you recognize truly recognized what Grace is
 you don't deserve it
 you're not worthy of it yet you still receive it and that is love that is Grace you don't get what you deserve you get what you don't deserve and when this is why the Poets of times past weep and cry and talk about forgiveness and Grace and such a beautiful ways because it'll make you cry when you actually understand that concept the second side of this and feel free VIP ticket to come in if you want to have any ideas on this the second side of this is that you're actually being disobedient to how the scriptures call you to view repented sent it so there's actually an obedience thing going on here yeah Philippians 3:13 and 14 14 says brother2brother rid I do not count myself to have apprehended but once but one thing I do for
 getting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Jesus Christ it on this one for a second cuz this is good he seemed Brethren I do not count myself to have apprehended he's talking about he hasn't become Perfection yet he hasn't actually actually have his salvation or his his his grips at this point and if you understand Philippians and crazy and you'll get what I'm saying there but what do you say they said the one thing that I do
 forgetting things those things which are behind and reaching forward to the things which are ahead he forgets those things that's a Paul the Apostle Paul does what does he forget about it it's as if it never happened to the bottom of the ocean floor and I will bring the authority to what we're saying true for you because if your dwelling on past sin you're the only one doing it cuz God's not dwelling on it is God's Will and he has to become a liar and it says it is impossible for God to lie okay you're the only one dwelling on it
 and Satan loves it he loves you being tormented by your past
 answer that you cannot move forward to the future
 you're in bondage to it and that's what you just came is to to make us a free of these things 1st John 1:9 says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness so if that's true my friend then your thinking incorrectly or if you're right then Jesus's line and so we have to be to be very careful there's actually a Disobedience like you you might even consider repenting to the Lord Gwyn Lord I'm so sorry that I have not received the grace in which you paid such a mighty price for a product may be close to the scripture that I think is also critical 2nd Corinthians 5:17 therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation old things have passed away behold all things have become new
 Johnny if you're struggling people with
 just your past the Apostle gave some Doctrine here for us if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation old things have passed away behold all things have become new your new and so let go of that stuff don't dwell on it for one minute don't think about if it's the repented of truly repented of needed you've turned away from Watson don't think about it again it's gone there's no point hopefully that's helpful for you next question how can I get back to a place of desirable physically and mentally for my husband After experiencing deep her over his pornography is being sexually and emotionally vulnerable with a man who I feel like his violated my trust in every way possible it hurt me so deeply feels impossible first off I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and also know that you're not alone because many many many women
 had to walk through this road and Horn like we said before point is that cancer of the church
 and couples
 people if your men or women if you're looking at pornography
 stop it it's not just a matter of like doing the right thing it is practicing sin and better at it it's getting better at soon and if you look the scriptures the warnings of those who practice Sim
 it is it should scare you it'll put the fear of the Lord right in yet because there is a strong argument that you can't have that send practicing soon and your salvation as with it it's there's a strong argument there and so I just want you to have the fear of the Lord said the Bible says the fear the Lord is the beginning of wisdom so yeah but what Veronica said ladies if you're dealing with this man if you do with a wife has been unfaithful you know
 it's hard it's really hard and now that the reality is that were called
 to be like Christ that's what it means to be a Christian and we get to follow Christ and not just in the easy stuff but we get to follow Christ in the hard stuff and we're call to forgive others the way that we were forgiven by God says or Jesus says if you don't forgive others who stood against using your father in heaven will not forgive you I mean he's literally saying that are horizontal forgiveness with others is directly connected with our vertical vertical forgiveness with God like that's a that's a scary scripture just hearing it just just so you know like being angry and being hurt by your spouse for being sinned against is righteous anger and righteous hurt but to react and not sin in your anger and sending your bitterness is not okay to remain turn into bitterness resentment and which will it be
 should be to communicate through it to get past only eleven percent of Christians have read the entire Bible as being influenced by the culture more than if Christians don't know God's word because they've never read it we cannot live out what we do not understand so Veronica and I want to challenge you right now to read the Bible in one year that we put together a basic 365-day reading plan it'll take you no longer than 20 minutes per day and you can download it for free at ultimate marriage.com forward slash bible.com Bible now with Dad back into the show
 and and we're looking for true forgiveness here not like cultural forgiveness here I guess I forgive you but still like withholding sex from him or even the church adopts is that is cultural forgiveness true forgiveness is the same forgiveness in which we were forgiven
 and it's it's it's big stuff true forgiving is an axe you can only do in the power of the Gospel it's the only you can only do what the power of the holy spirit because it is not our flesh hate everything about it it's a logical they wants your spouse to feel the pain that he was caused them exactly I'm going to read Ephesians 4:32 it says be kind to one another tenderhearted forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you
 now I do believe this woman her story which is it again I think applicable 2000s that people I believe that this is a form of withholding forgiveness I really do believe that is what's happening at the very least if it's not that it's not understanding the significance of your own forgiveness from Christ or through Christ
 it's so it's either withholding forgiveness or at the very least not understanding the significance of your own forgiveness how the magnitude of how much you've been forgiven and I want to talk about something you said I'm going to read this quote being sexually and emotionally vulnerable with a man who I feel like I've been violated my trust in every way possible and hurt me so deeply feels impossible
 we have to remember that we like how much we have violated God
 we have to remember how much we violated. And and how undeserving we are his grace how unworthy we are of his forgiveness how wretched we are
 and that's a hard thing to do to kind of just go and remember those things when we can do that when we can recognize how undeserving we are we understand the significance in the magnitude of our forgiveness holding resentment and bitterness against others who have sinned against us is a sign that we really believe that we aren't that bad it's Pride it's self-righteousness and true forgiveness just like Christ cake just this is the hammer right here and this is hard stuff I'm not saying I'm a pro at it but I'm saying if we're going to be biblical this is what the scriptures teach true forgiveness just like with Christ is putting us back into relationship exactly the same way it was prior to send
 and if you look at that you go well
 when I send against Christ I am separating myself from from from Petrina with unrighteousness and I need to repent of that all the moment I Repent to to the Lord and I go out Lord I'm so sorry for the things that I've done forgive me Father for I have sinned that very moment I'm back into a relationship and fellowship with the Lord exactly how it was prior to listen and and we do that right your children sin against you or the Lord and they repent and ask for whatever they did wrong and they might have a consequence of punishment of some sort of discipline to teach them the lesson
 but the moment that's done the price has been paid their back into Fellowship exactly the same way as they were prior to the 7 to stay in a do go back to being exactly the same there might be new boundaries explain that like this for the benefit of building back the trust yeah so now you know our belief is that marriage is a one flesh union meeting that that it's any boundaries within a marriage between you and your spouse it is. There shouldn't be any boundaries because we're to be one flash now there are three boundaries with other people there are to be boundaries in your life with other things that are around you guys especially after but there's no boundaries with within a marriage it in order to be one flesh there's no Shadows there's no boundaries have no like guards of access
 I said it's for building back up the trust not for nurturing the resentment or because your inability to be or because your inability to forgive any boundary they might have in your life might be like hey I just you know would like to have the passwords to your phone to your computer and you know why don't you copy me on the email on text messages with any other women at the light I mean do things like that we talked about her last episode those are new boundaries externally that you're protecting your marriage and end there for the benefit of the building back trust not for the nurturing of resentment or just like as a way to like cope with your unforgiveness or something so yeah I think it's time to to really consider
 how wretched we are
 how much we've been forgiven
 and if we are extending forgiveness the same way that Christ has forgiven us about this about the parable of the debtor's you might want to read you know that that the the gentleman that was forgiven by the king and then he goes and doesn't forget the deaths of these be small debts of his other people that there's all types of stuff about the Romans chapter 1 talks about the wrath of God I'm on righteous but the Romans Chapter 2 Paul take the cannon that he was pointed at the unrighteous and he pointed back at the righteous and says remember that you were these people and so just we cannot forget how much we've been forgiven the moment we do we will stop forgiving others last question I want me to initiate sex more often but I have a huge fear of rejection in addition I just don't desire sex as much as him
 how can we fix these issues like we said before previous shows and videos or whatever else you've seen Dale and I have made a rule that we just never deny each other and so I would encourage you to make that rule make a rule to never deny one another now there are
 things that you need to be wise in these wisdom Tisdale get to pursue if it's very clear that I'm sick and I've had a hard day or whatever it is like he know he gets his wisdom and use it and know that it's probably not a good time and vice-versa sure I've done that before Annika would still say yeah and and then the conviction might set in and go I'm sorry you know that that way you know that was selfish it wasn't looking out for her her well-being and enjoyment in her peace and so sex in a marriage is always to be seeking the others benefit that's how a sex life works best as it's not about you when what you receive it's what it's what they receive and so yeah that rule has been you will never have a fear of rejection in your marriage
 if you follow that rule
 now you do get to gonna learn each other and as a man get to have self control and do you know what maybe it's not the right time even though I want to set the right time for her and vice versa you know they don't make maybe I've heard so I know lots of women that want to have sex more than their husbands I hear about these messages all the time but a couple things I want to just mention on this is
 if men get rejected often
 over and over again I mean the scripture say you know do not deprive each other first Corinthians chapter 7 do not deprive each other yet for a time for fasting a prayer but come together again soon. Satan does not tempt you rejecting rejecting projecting your spouse your kind of opening the door for Temptation yeah and now it's not. Doesn't make it okay if you just reject your husband to the point where it's like when you have sex you know to sign the month or something or you let these long stretches go where that you know three weeks stretches or something like that. That's dangerous the scriptures even tasted that's dangerous and it might not be sought out and pornography or might not be sought out and adultery but it might be sought out and private masturbation
 it might be sought out and eat or not we teach here is that you know secret masturbation are private sex sex with yourself is sex outside of marriage now you know if your if your status. She knows about it and has been approved it because they have the authority of your body is what it says in 1st Corinthians 7 and then there's a time and place for that in our opinion but that's what happens you don't want secret sex life is going on in your marriage even if it's just with yourself
 and another thing I want to mention that we just talked about in our last episode for our 12 week program is that if women don't actually reach climax during their sex experience it actually often causes women to not want to have sex often and so we have people asking oh yeah is it are orgasms important things like that 75% of women is what the stat says don't actually have orgasms during sex and so it's a very important part that that both you men are rejected women are being served getting your sex life in order and that's what the shows about trials and Trauma you got to get it straight and you got to work at it and spend time on it because it is it is probably the greatest metric of understanding the greatest metric to show the health of a marriage is
 to help their sex life the frequency of their sex life the communication that they have on their sex life there are a lot of women don't reach climax are there we get to at their spouse like don't feel insecure about yourself and be like oh that I like I just don't want to have sex and because I can't achieve this and it's uncomfortable or whatever it is don't get down on yourself about it that just means you have more opportunity to practice the longer married the more you just need to communicate about it don't make it so like taboo to talk about in your marriage it's important the last two things I want to say is all the stages to one thing is Zack needs to be important to both spouses
 it shouldn't you got to deal with the wounds you got to deal with the trauma you got to do what the trials but sex needs to be important to both you and your spouse equally important in different ways possibly but equally important to answer your questions you know which was so much deeper into detail on this topic of sex in our program but this is just a good little snippet for you guys to take and hopefully grow through some hard things that we have to deal with in our marriages I do not count myself to have apprehended but one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus
 search Philippians 3:13 through 14 this is an important scripture to memorize the enemy is the great reminder of our past yes specially if you do stream so just you get to kind of take shame and take every cap or take every thought captive you know to Christ and his truth and you get to just replace that lie with this truth you know and Paul Austin says follow my example you know it is the one that deliver the gospel to the Gentiles if you're not Jewish the only reason you got the gospels because Paul was commissioned to do it that man who told you the gospel is telling you this
 but one thing that I do forget these things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are head so remember that
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